All right. I’m about to tell y’all something that I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone before. It’s quite a big deal, actually; something that’s going to leave you all reeling.
I’m really not that wise.
I know. That secret’s a real doozy. But I’m sure you’ll get past the shock.
Sixteen years young and expected to keep it all together. That’s a tall order for anyone our age. I mean, there has to be a reason why the ever quotable Stephen King said, “If you liked being a teenager, there’s really something wrong with you.”
I have to agree. Grades, dating, drama, family- just being alive is a real head spinner. There’s so much pressure to grow up and so much pressure to remain stagnant in childhood. And while intense pressure can turn coal into diamonds, well, we’re flesh and blood. Pressure can, and often does, turn us into the basketcases our parents warned us about when we were growing up.
So here are a few gems to help you through it, deeply contemplated by none other than myself, and the closest thing the newspaper will probably ever have to an advice column. My counsel even (occasionally) works.
-If your mom says “don’t drive in a rainstorm,” by God, don’t drive in a rainstorm. You might up totaling your car, and then where would you be? Sad. Very, very sad. Also, telling a police officer “my license is in the trunk” is never a good idea.
-AP does not actually stand for “Advanced Procrastination”. It stands for A) if you don’t get your stuff done you will P) seriously, seriously regret it.
-“I don’t like you” does not always mean “Forget Calculus, let’s elope to Vegas and get married.” But I can see how those two can sometimes be confused.
-You’re not going to marry him. It’s fun while it lasts, though. Take it as a learning experience. And for the break up, God invented ice cream, piñatas, and John Tucker Must Die. Fantastic movie.
-If you can’t remember what you did last night, chances are, you don’t want to.
-If it’s cliché, it’s true- clichés are only cliché because they really do have some intrinsic value. If something’s been repeated enough times for you to blank out whenever you hear it, chances are, it’s something you actually do need to know.
-Sometimes that weird, smelly kid sitting in the back corner of the classroom is the most interesting person you’ll talk to all year. (You can take this one of two ways- either you’ve been overlooking someone really awesome, or there’s a lack of good conversation at this school.)
-I know adults seem like they are out to get you, but really, they have nice, sweet, fluffy souls. They know things you might not. Respect them- no matter how hard it seems sometimes- and they’ll respect you.
-Guys should make the first move. Beginning, middle, and end of that story.
-“It seemed like a good idea at the time” stories are the only ones you are likely to remember 10 years from now. They’re also the ones that will likely end with a tattoo or criminal record. So pick wisely.
And even though I follow these nuggets of wisdom religiously, there are still times I sit down and fantasize about what, exactly, the Mayans thought is going to happen in 2012.
And once I realize that I do not actually have time to do anything as fun as sit down and daydream, I feel the urge to clone myself, just to get everything that needs to be done, done.
Unfortunately, cloning humans is illegal in most countries. But we get through it. One step at a time, one foot in front of another, whatever cliché you want to use. And one day we’ll look back on these years with a sense of joy, even if we have to block out all the painful bits.
Selective memory is good for something.
And finally, the best advice of all:
“If at first you don’t succeed, order pizza.” – Author Unknown.